I had been living a lie!

I was never not athletic. I was never uncoordinated. Not even clumsy.

The setting in the city of São Paulo, in Brazil. I was a new student in what was probably the equivalent to 8th grade in the United States. I figure I was probably 13 years old. Like many girls that age, at that point in my life, I had been extensively exposed to peer comparison, body image pressure, and teased for being fat (whatever that meant for the world around me at that time). Aside from the loud opinion of my peers, my likely well-intentioned mother, would inadvertently collude with these bullies and confirm my inadequacies by advising me to diet and "fix" different parts of me. Well intentioned or not, it didn't hurt any less and affected me deeply for the years to come.

Those brutal years, came to shape so much of what I believed about my body, my weight and my worth. Interestingly enough, along with constantly feeling "fat and ugly", I also felt un-athletic, clumsy and uncoordinated.

I shy-ed away from doing any P.E. in school, playing any sports or doing anything that would place me and my body on any type of display. When I was required to join any team for any P.E. activity, I was often picked last or close to last. The team captains always looked annoyed being stuck with me. By the time a ball would even make my way, I was so nervous, so self-conscious, so in my head... that I would miss the ball completely, making matters much worse. They would often roll their eyes at me, sometimes even yell.

These messages about being fat, unattractive and not belonging around physical activities became inseparable, and physical activity became something for me to avoid.

When I look back at myself as a younger child, I remember a child who liked to dance, who was active; a child who played games, a child who moved her body. But this child slowly gave room to a whole new person, who lost power over her own body. My body was no longer mine to just use it or move it... my body was now at the mercy of others' gaze and judgment.

Recently, in 2021, now living my life as the empowered adult that I have become, I went axe throwing with a few friends. It was my first time. Immediately, I got 6 bullseye out of 10 tries! Bragging rights aside, on that day, it dawned on me (as it has a few other times well into my 30s and 40s) that I was never uncoordinated, I was never un-athletic!

Although there is also nothing wrong with being clumsy or un-athletic... I wasn't even that. They were wrong. And they had me CONVINCED that my body didn't possess coordination, agility, dexterity, balance, strength, or power. It was all wrong, so wrong.

Perhaps my body didn't fit society's mold of attractiveness or thinness... it didn't fit the aesthetics that some people expected to see on the field or court, but my body was never incapable of perfoming and enjoying those activities. I grew up, for years, under the impression that I was not an athletic person. The message of body unattractiveness and my capabilities, got mixed into one. It boggles my mind, how we can internalize messages about ourselves that simply do not reflect reality... and go on believing these messages... for years!

I know I was not the only girl, not even close, to ever be deprived of enjoying moving their bodies due to the pressure of not fitting in. Every day, I am sure, someone full of balance, full of creative movements, full of strength, shies away on some corner, like I did, and may even go decades believing that they aren't capable. This tragedy creates unhealthy relationships between us and our bodies... not to mention deprive us of fun, enjoyment and the health benefits of physical activity. Not to mention other enjoyments like adventure, social spontaneity and even sex.

I would like for some of these girls (and any gender for that matter!)... to know that: the bullies can be wrong. They could be way off. You could be buying into something that is completely untrue. Took me a while but I figured it out.

Turns out, I am relatively dexterous and coordinated at almost everything I do. I am not very advanced at any many of those activities, especially since many of these barriers were crossed so late, well into my adulthood. But I make a point, to try everything: snorkeling, body surfing, skiing, paddle boarding, ping pong, hiking, tennis, hip hop dancing, you name it. Usually I catch on very easily and I am good enough at all those things to have fun with them. I find it an act of rebellion, an act of reclaiming my body and my power, to invite my body to WHATEVER I want, even when I am not great at it.

Whether the message one receives is about one's body, like it happened to me. Or any message one may receive. My point is, it is very easy to believe it. And sometimes, the message is so loud, so convincing, and comes from so many people and so many directions, that it feels factual. And even when the message is untrue, they may become a self-fulfilling prophecy that shapes how what we believe, how we carry ourselves and the things we do, causing us to further dig our heels into these lies that end up shaping us.

But guess what? Despite all the noise, it can still be a lie. So, I invite you to question some absolutes of who you were told you are to help you reclaim who you truly are. You could start today, right now.

Player Brazilian Axe just staring on the scoreboard :)